random thoughts

Few random thoughts:

My favourite feeling ever: finding it difficult to sleep all night, waiting for day break to get out and do what I spend the night thinking of and planning. This feeling gives me more happiness and satisfaction than 'love' (please note the quotes, sorry for this blunt finger pointing), food or other thrills in life (that I have experienced).

I find the concept of praying and destiny contradictory. Its interesting how these two counteractive concepts dwell with equal intensity in most believers, while most non believers too post them in the same bracket.

It's not important to please people. Some wont be pleased no matter what I do, some will be pleased with that I naturally do. It might be a good idea to instead see if I can do anything to make people smile.

I am still curious to know how people decide on two things: a) favourite colour and b) A (one) best friend. I am more than curious, I find it slightly baffling.

Between changing the world and myself, I am inclined to chose the former. This choice is not influenced by self love. The variables are degree of difficulty, other partners and stress levels. I would otherwise prefer changing the latter.

I don't like restrictions imposed on me. However, I obey all 'laws', including traffic rules, unless I find them repressive. If so, I revolt.

Its easier to get work done by me if you explain things to me instead to telling me what to do with the logic behind it sealed in your head. I think its true of most people.

I am told by close friends and family that they like the fact that whatever I do, I do it sincerely. Be it walking, or eating, or cello-taping those papers, etc, etc. They have, however, never understood why certain things are never done as expected. Couple of reasons: 1) Most likely they are your expectations and not mine. Not suggesting that I am indifferent to your expectations. Only, your expectations might have been really out of my scheme of things, no matter how much I tried. Also, I may not have understood your expectations when spoken in highly fluid language left to interpretation (eg, career. Yes, I know)

I still haven't quite understood the whole water system in my house. My mother thinks I am useless. She has reasons.

I often find myself haplessly looking for parameters based on which people account for normalcy (this includes the good/bad debate).

At times, quite often, I wonder how it feels like to be an expert. Help, anyone?

I ask a lot of questions -- it is usually either ignorant or innocent. I marvel at my ability in both, while I can see the other trying to pick from the choice of 'expressions' left for them.

Firm belief: There are only silly answers, if at all, but definitely no silly questions. (This belief, as you must have noticed, helps me in executing the point immediately above)

If language is so important, how do babies make friends?

The more I listen, read, think, the shallower I feel. At times, even in a state of coma.

When I am not talking, I am not necessarily thinking. It holds true for those times when I seem lost in thought as well. Waiting for the day when being blank is officially included as a 'state of mind'.

I am told to think before I speak. What will happen to my loud thinking? I like that!! (I am willing to consider T&C like 'safe zone' for loud thinking. Does that help?)

language

:) :,(

Result

Did you ever experience that feeling right after your exams? You know, like, Alright! Just out with it. Come out with the results. Right here, right now! Please... If you are even half humane and believe in mercy, this is all I ask for -- give me the report card! And the closer I got to the day of the result, the more intense this feeling was. 'Come on, be done with it'!
I think, having felt this way for years, even through college, my system is attuned to feeling this at the thought of any any any 'result', with or without the report card. You name it, and I feel it. About that very important trip - will it happen or not(??); about him talking -- will he or not; about that scholarship thing -- will it come or not (!?!?!?!) ... I believe you get the trend. I have come to the conclusion that most of this can be credited to the school education system that made that result thing larger than life. I wish school had taught me, instead, to not worry, to enjoy the nuances of life, to be friends with nature, to know that nothing is larger than life, and to believe no 'result' is quite worth dying for.

'quitting'

This word has taken me in so many circles (and cycles)in the last few weeks, that now every sentence related to it feels like a saga. There were so many things revealed that it is really impossible to bury this episode under sand dunes for now. So keeping the burying for some other day and time, maybe for some other people, too. My favourite part of the story is that it has revealed so much about myself. (Yes, the self-obsessed speaks!)A friend wanted me to write a poem on all this. Well poetry is not quite in my control but this experience surely deserves some form of writing. I will try and make a quick summary of it here. I am quite a pro at it and getting even better with time. The only cruel part of summaries is that even the best of them doesn't ever sum up to a 100 percent.

I just have so much more clarity in my life now. For one I know, all good sounding things are not always good (its a slight variation of 'all that glitters is not gold'). Last few weeks found me in utter disarray - in thinking, in trust, in confidence. I would constantly hear myself saying: This too shall pass. Let me tell you one thing I am confident of right now: if you are saying that to yourself too often, too many times, something is wrong. Instead of living life you are somehow managing it, like eating unauthentic local food. (Yes, I meant it when I said 'something is wrong')

Stress got better of me and I gave into all potential ailments. Body imbalance was in vogue. As if my body was screeching out to me and telling me, "listen to you heart and don't do this to me any more". I was having all kinds of mild and intense conversations with that entity, called Mind. So Mind was experiencing haven at the opportunity of scolding the dumb (more or less mummified) me.

So, was it just the 'things' that had these effects on me? No, not really. I will just put up an excerpt of a conversation I had with Mind recently:

Mind: Will you stop this? I don't even understand how someone not-so-close can have such effects on you!

Me: Ok, Mind, since you don't understand anyway, is there a point in my explaining? But I shall try. At some level, it is about my trust being shaken; about my not being able to handle it; about my not being able to have a stronger and firmer presence; about not following my heart; about 'quitting', it really felt like 'quitting'.
And Mind, don't forget, I had equally strong positive effects from not-so-close people. If I welcome the positives, I will have to deal with the negatives, right? Do you even know the number of 'not-so-close' people who have come forward to just listen, advise, or just scold warmly.

Mind: You are right, I don't get it. Why you can't just speak up and move on? That's what you have always done, Ms Outspoken!

Me: Well, you don't understand this because you relate it to fear. Fear is such a miniscule part of this whole 'outspoken' business. Its about being able to say 'no' without losing control of the situation and without making anyone else feel 'bad'.

Mind: Kindly simplify...

Me: It's about standing your ground without taking away space from anyone else. And trust me, that's tough!

Mind: I get that, but tell me something, why do you sound so confused?

Me: Oh! apart from other things, I really liked the 'work'. Wanted to do it.

Mind: So then?

Me: I will. I will do the work. Just not here. There has been other experiences in the last few days too. And they just told me that if I let go and make space, new and better things will come my way. Also a recent discovery has been that I can still work, and meaningful work, even with a 'jobless' status.

Mind: Sounds good! One thing that really worries me is if you will ever find a place what will have that ideal work-life balance...

Me: Mind, you are my friend. Please speak a little more intelligently and don't frustrate me with these questions. Work-life balance is such a cliche and conveys so little. Work is a part of life. Work is not outside life, please! How can anyone balance between the two? Pray, tell me. Yes, but you need to balance different parts of life. Only family, only work, only food (this was so natural - am on an overeating spree), over anything needs to be balanced. It's about giving legitimate and honest space. Work and life are not really having a tussle here.

Mind: I agree. But you know what, you need to listen to your heart. It has been crying out to you for long. Don't always look for reasons. The heart has a rationale that the brains may not even be able to fathom. Reasoning can be what is, or there can be a clear lack of it. Listen to your heart, torture shall be less. Remember, one of the mistakes you keep making is that you look for a rational world. And, also torture yourself to find a rational 'you'. Both the world and you can be without the apparent rational, you know.

Me: I guess.

Mind: You suddenly look calmer. What's the deal?

Me: Remember 'Under the Tuscan Sun', Mind - "Between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is impossibly steep, very high part of the moutains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come!" Faith is a beautiful word.