I had poetry I wanted to share,
I had books to recommend
I wanted to dine
at the new restaurant down the road
But the journey came to an end

I wanted to work hard and build
home of trust and sprawling frienship
I had armoured with patience
I stocked healing lotions of love

I worked on the land
I was learning how to farm
But its still not the field I wished it to be
I lost the seeds,
I lost it all - like a hapless being

few firsts - 2011

17 Jan 2011 - Got fired. Reason: no chemistry. Realised I was the only one I have ever known (both primary and secondary connections taken into account) who have ever been fired. Felt sort of --- errr -- unique. Decided to celebrate.

20 Jan 2011 - Got doubly-fired. Might be tough to understand but it is like
I got fired again from the same job, by the same person. Funny and well, not-so-funny.

24 Jan 2011 - Signed a consultancy for Impact Assessment Study where I will be leading the show. It is with CMCA and they seem to be more confident of my skills than me!

25 Jan 2011 - Bought fish from a shop! (yes, this bong has never done that!)

25 Jan 2011 - Called Ma for recipe (I think I did manage to add my bits though)

25 Jan 2011 - Cooked macher chocchori with batti fish. Later wrote out the recipe in My recipe book.

25 Jan 2011 - Went online and searched and found recipes. Decided to go for a particular one after much thinking and judging with unknown (at least undocumented indicators)

25 Jan 2011 - Cooked doi maach. Later wrote out the recipe in My recipe book marking out my own ways from the ones given on internet.

27 Jan 2011 - Started working on a Transparency and Accountability project by tracking the health budget of Karnataka. Exciting! Working with Sadananda is very humbling and he gently takes you through the process. Being Mentored by him is encouraging.

30 Jan 2011 - Went on aimless bus tour in Bangalore. Took G3 till its last stop. It was such a wonderful road!

1 Feb 2011 - Got an interview from one more department of the same organisation. APF called a few days back for a role in KM, and then today for a role in ELM (they didn't know the other department was considering). Felt Good! He called me to his office for an in-person interview that day itself, while on the telephonic interview when he realised I was in the same city. Then called again in sometime to cancel it saying that the other department has asked him not to, since they are processing it.

5 Feb 2011 - Stayed in hospital as attendant for 4 days. Didn't know when I came to St John's with Sujit to the OPD that this was the rule in Bangalore. ALL in patients must have an attendant with him/her 24 hours. One can try for paid MSWs, if one has ABSOLUTELY NO OTHER ALTERNATIVE. But that is not all that easy to do or contact, if you are getting there after 'work' hours.

12 Feb 2011 - Moon came for the Bryan Adams show with Jeet. Mrig joined in from Coimbatore. Moon of course also got her daughter. And because she couldn't go to the concert, her mother in law also joined. I don't think I know anyone else going to another city for such one day concerts. But, it is mamoni's travelling as nanny which makes it special for me! NEVER heard of such things before :-)

19 Feb 2011 - Heard Veena live for the first time. It was played By Dr Jayanthi Kumaresh, Ronu Mojumdar on the Flute and Anubrata Chatterjee on Tabla. Again I think I heard drums from various states of India together on stage for the first time on this show.

20 Feb 2011 - Went for a Bengali musical in Bangalore. Jibonmukhi gaan. Kallol Dasgupta. Amazing life experience the person has. Had never heard or heard of him before.

20 Feb 2011 - Ate the mahabhoj (veg meal) at Maharaja. It was an amazing discovery. Also discovered that it is not so expensive :P

4 March 2011 - Redirected a courier for me to my friends place. Didnt know this was possible. I like it. Got a call in Kolkata from a courier saying he is waiting outside my Bangalore office -- he was carrying a package from Jenny, Azim Premji Foundation.
Called courier, gave Sujit's address and also took their address. Went for a huge coordination drive.

5 March 2011 - Offer! From a Azim Premji Foundation. For the first time a proper offer with PF , gratuity and all. Sujit got the courier in the afternoon. Read it out to be in full smile.

7 March 2011 - Negotiated! Spoke to my immeidate boss. Discussed the issue about leave for study if I get through dual mode of TISS. She agreed. Also spoke money.

7 March 2011 - Flew in to Mumbai Airport. Never entered Mumbai by air before.

10 March 2011 - Money negotiation! I wrote salary negotiation mail to the HR etc. A few days on phone with two HRs and lots of 'sweet' negotiations.

23 March 2011 - Got final revised offer letter from Azim Premji Foundation.

journalism , and a bit of me

I wish everytime someone at an interview asks me "why are did you quit journalism?" or even better put by my most recent HR "why the disillusion with Journalism?', I wish I could beat it up more vocally, creating some kind of a media activist of myself - right there, right then. But I steer clear (or not so clear) and simply choose to say the harsh things in well rehearsed smoothness. And actually not even that. I want to get the job, so I say very nice sounding things -- which by the way are also true, but not really the prime factor. Not too sure if this reaction of mine makes me embarassed, ashamed or if just the tireness of the whole business and the sameness of the string of questions overwhelm the radar of my feelings.

My batchmate from ACJ writes! - I think for all of us -- so this mail, trying to share my story with you. (if possible, please take those questions on my behalf the next time - it truly is amazing how the entire human race can run out of creativy on asking questions. At least change the way you ask! I entertain you with my answers, do I deserve no entertainmaint at all??) And you can also claim (on my behalf again) that I am not really as strong to fight the system - being in the system and changing it all. Whatever strength I have, I wish to devote it to some other battles I chose to fight. Yes, they too are about changing systems. But I chose to change that system and not the system of reporting and the editorial policies of instituitions. At least not from the inside. That I actually might blast from the outside and CHANGE.

By the way, just to report, I had once done a quite appreciated story on water contamination in bottled 'drinking' water (available on request, if you want to see it to believe it). Appreciated only quite privately actually. And yes, as many of you know I prefer filtered tap water to bottled 'poison'. At too at Rs 15 per litre! I have shared this view of mine with mnay. Not sure if you were privy to it before. But that is why you will not find bottled or jarred drinking water in my house. And you will find me drinking tap water even in Dhabbas (that is when people even treat me as untouchable). Disclaimer : I also buy those bottled 'drinking' water too -- and trust me, I always say a small prayer before I sip in.

So well, here is one glimpse at 'disillusioned (ex) journalists' --


Inside newspapers and governments
by Malarvizhi Jayanth

The memoirs of a former journalist who is using the Wikileaks context to settle old scores



Once upon an election, the ruling party was bullying and booth-capturing recklessly. I was there. I saw it. Outside one booth, three Tata Sumos drove away at mad speeds, their screeching, spinning wheels blowing dust into my eyes in a scene straight out of the Tamil movies. I walked into the booth to find it had been ransacked minutes earlier. I saw weeping government officials and ballots with the stamp over the rising sun scattered everywhere. Other reporters saw similar scenes. Reporters received complaints of cash and biriyani(!) being distributed to voters.The management of the newspaper I worked for chose to run the Election Commission’s claims that the elections had been without incident, rather than accounts from several reporters who had seen the captured booths and heard from voters who had been offered bribes. Two days later, when almost all other media (barring the usual suspects) had run outraged stories about the brazenness of the booth capturing, hesitantly, The Hindu followed suit. Today, they announce to us that cash for votes is a way of political life in Tamil Nadu. Yeah, thanks, we know that already. Too bad you couldn’t believe your lowly brown-skinned reporters who told you all about it. A white man sends off a cable about it to his masters and then it becomes news? Really?



The ways of power are mysterious. Now, The Hindu is releasing the WikiLeaks India cables to the world. Now, we know what many people in Tamil Nadu had been yelling about – that the Government of India was in cahoots with the Government of Sri Lanka to turn attention away from the bloodbath to wipe out the LTTE – was true. Now, in fact, we know that our worst fears and suspicions about institutions are often true. And now, I write about how I grew disenchanted with the newspaper I grew up with, the paper that framed my worldview, ruined my prose and beat any interest in journalism out of me.



Once I discovered that bottled water could have cyanide or shit or worse in it. This was when the Chennai Corporation was on a spree of taking water samples and blacklisting bottled water brands because they claimed the samples were unfit for consumption. So. I visited several private water-bottling facilities in the outer suburbs of the city. Several brands can get their water bottled from the same plant. I saw workers on the same premises segregating bottles after they had been sealed and pasting the stickers of different brands on them. All these plants had laboratories to test samples of the water they are bottling, to comply with regulations. Samples had tested positive for everything from cyanide compounds to faecal matter. They have recorded these cheerfully, I have no clue why – possibly because inspection officials can be bribed – and shown them to me equally cheerfully – possibly confident that a stupid woman would not understand what these record notebooks had to say.

I started drinking tap water from that day. I’m still alive.

I went to the government Bureau of Indian Standards lab to understand the process of water testing. They walked me through the steps involved in testing water samples.

I visited the Chennai Corporation lab where they claimed to be testing the water. My school’s chemistry lab was better equipped. This place did not have a functioning refrigerator to store samples at low temperatures (a crucial part of the testing process). They showed me some grimy test tubes when I asked to see samples of the water that were being tested. The claims about testing water were clearly false. The moral of the story: None of them are clean – neither the bottlers nor the people claiming to be testing it. The article I wrote shuttled between the internal censors for more than a week. Then it was quietly rewritten for unreadability and published.



The Hindu is a good employer. They take care of their employees – practically free healthcare, heavily subsidised canteen food and all that jazz. I was a bad journalist. I did not know how to stay in the good books of the powers-that-be. I did not know how to impress the right people. Most of my stories about civic problems in the suburbs, the rites of the transgendered, the farmers markets in Thiruvallur and such-like trivia did not make the first three pages of the paper. Most importantly, I did not know how to cosy up to government officials - vital if I want to be able to milk them for stories later. I treated all of them like they had some communicable terminal illness. The Chennai Corporation Commissioner is a smooth operator who knows how to keep journalists and politicians happy. I pride myself on the fact that he yelled at me once when I was working on the water purification story. That is among the few moments in my journalistic career when I felt I was doing something right.



I wish I could say that I walked out of office in rage over some incident of internal censorship and never went back. The reason I actually quit was far more trivial. A few months later, salaries were raised across the board since the management wanted to hire ACJ graduates, who were all being offered much higher starting pay by other organisations. My salary raise still did not equal the pay that freshers were being offered, though I had been working for this newspaper for three years. I am an ACJ graduate myself (oh, the exquisite irony of it all) I fought to get the raise. Then I quit. There was high drama and exchange of memos and self-righteous letters because I refused to serve the notice period for resignation. Each time I cross that office I feel a thrill of joy that I no longer work there.



Cue next flashback: The first story I wrote for The Hindu was about the idle Braille press at the Government School for the Blind, Poonmallee. With the only government Braille press in Tamil Nadu out of action, none of the high school visually challenged students in the state would have individual textbooks for their board exams. The internal censor who decided which stories should be run from the city sat on this article for a week. He finally reluctantly allowed it to be published in one of the inside pages, buried between two ads. The headline was a quote from a government official. This was my first intimation that my employer (or his intermediaries) did not like stories that rocked the Establishment’s boat. I thought this only applied to the government. I was wrong.



The students of an engineering college were up in arms when it became clear that their sprouted-overnight college did not have AICTE approval or any of the infrastructure that a college should have. I wrote an article quoting some of their claims. The next morning I was stunned to see an article replete with smooth-talking quotes from the management of the same college without a single student voice. I had only written an article about the students’ accusations (biased supporter of the oppressed that I am). The above-mentioned censor had done the re-writing and run the story. It was whispered that he could get anybody a seat in any engineering college because he was friendly with most of their managements. No-one made these accusations in public. We did not rock the Establishment. No, sir.



I don’t know if any of the work I did as a journalist ever helped ‘change the world’. I know I made things worse for the wrong people once. I went to a village on the banks of Cooum upstream – two hours away from Chennai. The magnificent river bed of this seasonal river is a sight to be seen. Comparing it with the sewer that runs through the city is heartbreak. The women in this village were protesting against arrack being sold on the banks of the river. They posed hesitantly for a picture after I told them that it would add power to their claims. The next day I heard from a panchayat official that the women had been threatened with violence by the police for having dared to complain to the press. No, they didn’t want to complain about the coercion. Resistance can be beaten out of us very simply in a day. Or it could take a little longer. For me, at The Hindu, it took about three years.



I continue to be perplexed about why a newspaper that will publish Sainath should choose to dance over a tightrope when it came to the Tamil Nadu government. In spite of everything, I still read The Hindu and am happy they have published the WikiLeaks India cables. But I have been inside once. And seen that chess games are in progress all the time. Who the sacrificial pawns and who the knights are this time, and this close to the elections, is difficult to tell. The ways of power are truly mysterious.

i want to be

I want to be a rebel,
a silent, calm rebel
I want to be someone
who calls for a revolution
and millions follow
and I be unknown
I want to be an awesome cook
the quick recipes
and the five course meals
I want to be a perfect striker
balancing home and office deals
I want to be an avid reader
knowing the tit bits of the world
I want to be a friend for a banter
and a hand for that tough tough crawl
I want to be a dancer
boldly holding the stage
I want to be a mother
caressing my child on my breast
I want to be a girl
full of dreams
I want to be a woman
measuring the worldly realms
And then, if given a chance
I just want to be me
And then, if there is time,
I just want to be human
another good human being

few firsts

This will be a growing post (hoping everyday) - of things I would do for the first time. This wouldn't necessarily be all positive. So oy oy oinki !

February 2010 - Got my first Tax refund claims ever. I used to think its all a scam and such things really don't happen. It came in a cheque which got encashed!

August - end November 2010 - Nearly 3 months of unemployment, joblessness. First time ever (really want to add 'last time' as well to the 'joblessness' part.)

12th Novermber 2010 - Went to the Income Tax office in Kolkata; asked for the Tax refund claimed by me over many many years; some senior officer's MOBILE number was on the board and I called and he asked me to come to his room if I am in the building itself; after hearing said too senior to help; went to approproate person; he sent me to a more streamlined appropriate person; he saw things online, in his files, found issues, explained issues to me; disbursed part of my claims (other parts even the tax department didn't have as TDS deducted was not deposited!!) imemdiately in fornt of me AND then dictated a complain letter I should write to the department to get the rest of the money. OK! ALL OF THIS WAS a FIRST!. ALL !!

12th November 2010 - Moved my things to another city with MOVERs and Packers !! And i moved my entire wardrobe. I packed more utensils than I think I ever needed. I have evolved from travelling and living through 5 cities in just about 2 suitcases to a 'consignment' (albeit small)

15th November 2010 - Stepped into Bangalore with a job

16th-21st November 2010 - spent 5 days only and only house hunting. And I mean it - food, sleep, minimum talking to family and friends (to tell them I am alive and I am house hunting) and then talking to brokers and seeign all kinds of houses. Note (again): 5 consequitive days.

18th November 2010 - Fell down a brokers bike who showed no concern after. I have NEVER fallen down any bike, so that also includes brokers' bikes AND I have NEVER had such no-concern participant or audience to any of my falling from anywhere.

21st November 2010 - Successfully used a broker for the first time and got a home! Used internet and the likes too! They all lead to a broker more often than not. Going to stay alone-alone for the first time. (starting 2nd December) So, my 1BHK!

22nd November 2010 - I job hunted, met prospective employers even before joining the new job.

23rd November 2010 - Represented organisation in a conference (just as audience though) even before joining!

24th November 2010 - Signed a tenant agreement! I think its the first in the family (no, seriously!)

23rd November 2010 - I bought a tall (it is tall. calling it long is slightly disrespectful) moppers and mopped with the tall mopper. (clarification: I have mopped floors before but with just a simple cloth and more on my honches. This is quite different, quite! You can sing and mop. All at the same time)

25th November 2010 - Had Phuchka in Bangalore. Quite close to Kolkata version technically.

26th November 2010 - joined a start up, a non-NGO, a consulting firm. And this is physically, virtually online offline a 4 member office. Very very first time!

26 November 2010 - Have an offical email id (soumita@innovationalchemy.com) which I actively use and will be using.

27th November 2010 - Had a fish thali with 5 fishes in it! Auch! But the discovery is that the menu card clearly says that one cant share a thali even though its a limited thali (repeat: this is NOT a UNLIMITED thali) and people around me (read tiny number of office colleagues) thought that was only the norm. So yes, you are right, I have never before seen people told not to share a Limited Thali. The restaurant staff thought - 'but of course!'. I think I was the only one disturbed. It just means so much food wasted! Elitest! (only, elitest??)

27th November 2010 - Got a Rs 10 discount from an auto driver. He nearly insisted on giving me the discount.

28th November 2010 - Went furniture shopping!! Limited to price and design scouting. Purchase after another round of scouting.

28th November 2010 - Had GOOD Phuchka in Bangalore. Just 500 mts from my house!

29th November 2010 - Used internet to find bus routes from home to office. Google search showed up BMTC help-line numberS (please note the plural form). And also there were bus route maps which were very readable! I called the BMTC helpline and someone did manage to help in falt 48 seconds. (for the uninitiated BMTC = Bangalore Metropolitan Transport Corporation)

3rd December 2010 - I made a list on paper before shopping. (brain preseved for??)

10th December 2010 - I took a bus to office. This meant figuring out the closest bus stop, finding the shortest walking route from there and also the name of the bus stop :P . I was doing autos all these days and coming back home in a bus. I wonder who had said, anyone can always get back home!

10th December 2010 - I was hunted down by an organisation I went for interview months back (The cell phone number they have is not functional and they called my landline!). Things were amiable that months back too but they didnt seem to have the money to pay. They clearly have worked on that in the past few months. And finally, they offer me a job. Maybe I am not in the mood anymore. :-)

10th December 2010 - So I was in a bus from office to home in a bus where the driver was also the conductor! And ya, he did stop and pick up passengers at every stop, punched everyone a ticket and was one of the fastest buses plying on that route at that time.

11th December 2010 - Brought a full gas-stove set!

24th December 2010 - Was on a diverted train! Gujjar movement ...

24th December 2010 - First time in Rajasthan! Jaipur, here I am !!

25th December 2010 - Top up of Ajmer and Pushkar :-)

28th December 2010 - Saw beautiful NRM work in arid Rajasthan with very very simple methods and total thinking and thoughtfulness of all kinds of birds and animals of the area.

28th December 2010 - Saw a gang of Nigai-s, the blue male with a horde of fair females.

Random questions

1) Why is it that we give more importance to professional deadlines than personal ones?
Like, we quite comfortably postpone 'talks/meetings with friends/children/spouse/parents/siblings because we are under 'tremendous work pressure'. Why don't we ever do the same with meetings with bosses and clients (unless of course it is a medical emergency at home)?

2) Why is it that we trust our helpers at home with our children but not with our money?

3) Why is it that physical medical situations are graver and get more attention than mental woes? (And I think we really have enough proof to say that a happier mind often gives to a healthier body).

4) Why are we more keen to give a few doses of medicines than a few big tight hugs?

5) Why is it that monetory cost benefit ratio immediately put our actions in place and other cost-benefit ratios like health, environment etc don't motivate us likewise? (Why even compare cost of organic food and inorganic food??)

6) Why do we look down on 'lucky charms' if all they do is give us some peace and confidence? Albeit, illusionary if you want to argue - but have we defined the real in any sense at all?

7) Why is it that we share happiness more publicly than our sadness? Why are we so shy and embarrassed of our sorrows?

8) Why is it that we cry watching movies but hardly ever when we see children on the street in pain?

9) Why is it that we 'manage' most things in our lives rather than 'living' them?

10) Why is it that a classmate can be your friend, often your 'best friend' but your colleague cannot?

shudhu tomar jonyo

tumi dhan chao,
aami debo dhan'er gaach
tumi shukh chao,
debo shukh kathi'r shajh
nishyo hoye tomaye debo,
shob debo aaj -
jodi tumi bhalo thako?
jeno tumi bhalo thako .

chutte chole jai

lokano shob icche gulo
hothat dile tene
megher theke chiniye niye
brishti diye ene
jagat take bhijte dekhe
chokher jol shokalam
shonda mati'r gondhe ogo
koto shok bholalam
notun notun jante aaji
tai chutte jai
themey geche koto kicchu
shuru korte chai

Dear S

I am wondering. But I shouldn't wonder. Not because I run wild or it is without reason. But because it leads me to wander into pasture-less land. So, I choose blank. I choose to be here - in mind and body and soul. I choose not to run - not wild, nor mild. So I stop myself and be here, right here! As my feet lifts and tries to move and go, I bring it back. In every motion swaying in, moving around but here. I let my body feel the pulse of my feet, I let my hand lend its arm. As they all move together, I Dance!

illegitimate

I am an illegitimate child
born to parents, very very legitimate
But, I am an illegitimate child
I cry when hurt,
smile when loved,
But I am, usually, chided
- The illegitimate child

My needs are absurd
My wants unjustified
- walk in the park,
a kite to fly.
They were making choices,
between this and that
I lost the game
- the illegitimate child

I can't inherit the house, the garden
Or even mamma's lap
For legitimacy is not an inherited tag
For every drop of water
I quietly wait aside
Trying to reason a legitimate ground
Shackled, the illegitimate child

I am usually overlooked
By the candyman and the balloon guy
So, it scared me,
When they and all looked straight into my eye
They spoke of wrongs I didn't understand
and spanked me for fights though I wasn't there.

I smell illegitimacy
And they run,
And I run,
from this illegitimate child.

Icche

Amar monta shudhaye icche re bhai,
jashne daure daure shethay,
Khobor acche shei thikanae
Chand Surjo milon jomaye.
Shei dekhbo bhebei chokhu dhandhaye!

Ayre bancha deshe phire,
khela nei ko kono ei jomi te,
Ethar cholon shobi jana manik -
Shei raat er porei din aashe tai.

"tumi amaye bhalobasho, tai to aami kobi"

Brishti bhejha pother majhe,
Jhor bhadol er gaane naache,
Mon jeno ek swadhin kobi,
Proti-ti photaye tomar chhobi


------

being myself

you wanted me to be the girl you loved
you wanted me to be 'myself'

but why is this not myself,
this self and that self ?
for they both fell in love with you
in love with your warmth on icy winter mornings
both dance in mirth, in truth, in madness
hurt by the cold practical moves
of stupid silly wildness, beyond all into wilderness
we were, we are and we will be

but how can there be myself?
this self and that self
this self who wouldn't cross the line
that self who would draw the line
but can they live together
in the seasons of the mind

but how would you have the radhachura carpet?
when its not spring time

random thoughts

Few random thoughts:

My favourite feeling ever: finding it difficult to sleep all night, waiting for day break to get out and do what I spend the night thinking of and planning. This feeling gives me more happiness and satisfaction than 'love' (please note the quotes, sorry for this blunt finger pointing), food or other thrills in life (that I have experienced).

I find the concept of praying and destiny contradictory. Its interesting how these two counteractive concepts dwell with equal intensity in most believers, while most non believers too post them in the same bracket.

It's not important to please people. Some wont be pleased no matter what I do, some will be pleased with that I naturally do. It might be a good idea to instead see if I can do anything to make people smile.

I am still curious to know how people decide on two things: a) favourite colour and b) A (one) best friend. I am more than curious, I find it slightly baffling.

Between changing the world and myself, I am inclined to chose the former. This choice is not influenced by self love. The variables are degree of difficulty, other partners and stress levels. I would otherwise prefer changing the latter.

I don't like restrictions imposed on me. However, I obey all 'laws', including traffic rules, unless I find them repressive. If so, I revolt.

Its easier to get work done by me if you explain things to me instead to telling me what to do with the logic behind it sealed in your head. I think its true of most people.

I am told by close friends and family that they like the fact that whatever I do, I do it sincerely. Be it walking, or eating, or cello-taping those papers, etc, etc. They have, however, never understood why certain things are never done as expected. Couple of reasons: 1) Most likely they are your expectations and not mine. Not suggesting that I am indifferent to your expectations. Only, your expectations might have been really out of my scheme of things, no matter how much I tried. Also, I may not have understood your expectations when spoken in highly fluid language left to interpretation (eg, career. Yes, I know)

I still haven't quite understood the whole water system in my house. My mother thinks I am useless. She has reasons.

I often find myself haplessly looking for parameters based on which people account for normalcy (this includes the good/bad debate).

At times, quite often, I wonder how it feels like to be an expert. Help, anyone?

I ask a lot of questions -- it is usually either ignorant or innocent. I marvel at my ability in both, while I can see the other trying to pick from the choice of 'expressions' left for them.

Firm belief: There are only silly answers, if at all, but definitely no silly questions. (This belief, as you must have noticed, helps me in executing the point immediately above)

If language is so important, how do babies make friends?

The more I listen, read, think, the shallower I feel. At times, even in a state of coma.

When I am not talking, I am not necessarily thinking. It holds true for those times when I seem lost in thought as well. Waiting for the day when being blank is officially included as a 'state of mind'.

I am told to think before I speak. What will happen to my loud thinking? I like that!! (I am willing to consider T&C like 'safe zone' for loud thinking. Does that help?)

language

:) :,(

Result

Did you ever experience that feeling right after your exams? You know, like, Alright! Just out with it. Come out with the results. Right here, right now! Please... If you are even half humane and believe in mercy, this is all I ask for -- give me the report card! And the closer I got to the day of the result, the more intense this feeling was. 'Come on, be done with it'!
I think, having felt this way for years, even through college, my system is attuned to feeling this at the thought of any any any 'result', with or without the report card. You name it, and I feel it. About that very important trip - will it happen or not(??); about him talking -- will he or not; about that scholarship thing -- will it come or not (!?!?!?!) ... I believe you get the trend. I have come to the conclusion that most of this can be credited to the school education system that made that result thing larger than life. I wish school had taught me, instead, to not worry, to enjoy the nuances of life, to be friends with nature, to know that nothing is larger than life, and to believe no 'result' is quite worth dying for.

'quitting'

This word has taken me in so many circles (and cycles)in the last few weeks, that now every sentence related to it feels like a saga. There were so many things revealed that it is really impossible to bury this episode under sand dunes for now. So keeping the burying for some other day and time, maybe for some other people, too. My favourite part of the story is that it has revealed so much about myself. (Yes, the self-obsessed speaks!)A friend wanted me to write a poem on all this. Well poetry is not quite in my control but this experience surely deserves some form of writing. I will try and make a quick summary of it here. I am quite a pro at it and getting even better with time. The only cruel part of summaries is that even the best of them doesn't ever sum up to a 100 percent.

I just have so much more clarity in my life now. For one I know, all good sounding things are not always good (its a slight variation of 'all that glitters is not gold'). Last few weeks found me in utter disarray - in thinking, in trust, in confidence. I would constantly hear myself saying: This too shall pass. Let me tell you one thing I am confident of right now: if you are saying that to yourself too often, too many times, something is wrong. Instead of living life you are somehow managing it, like eating unauthentic local food. (Yes, I meant it when I said 'something is wrong')

Stress got better of me and I gave into all potential ailments. Body imbalance was in vogue. As if my body was screeching out to me and telling me, "listen to you heart and don't do this to me any more". I was having all kinds of mild and intense conversations with that entity, called Mind. So Mind was experiencing haven at the opportunity of scolding the dumb (more or less mummified) me.

So, was it just the 'things' that had these effects on me? No, not really. I will just put up an excerpt of a conversation I had with Mind recently:

Mind: Will you stop this? I don't even understand how someone not-so-close can have such effects on you!

Me: Ok, Mind, since you don't understand anyway, is there a point in my explaining? But I shall try. At some level, it is about my trust being shaken; about my not being able to handle it; about my not being able to have a stronger and firmer presence; about not following my heart; about 'quitting', it really felt like 'quitting'.
And Mind, don't forget, I had equally strong positive effects from not-so-close people. If I welcome the positives, I will have to deal with the negatives, right? Do you even know the number of 'not-so-close' people who have come forward to just listen, advise, or just scold warmly.

Mind: You are right, I don't get it. Why you can't just speak up and move on? That's what you have always done, Ms Outspoken!

Me: Well, you don't understand this because you relate it to fear. Fear is such a miniscule part of this whole 'outspoken' business. Its about being able to say 'no' without losing control of the situation and without making anyone else feel 'bad'.

Mind: Kindly simplify...

Me: It's about standing your ground without taking away space from anyone else. And trust me, that's tough!

Mind: I get that, but tell me something, why do you sound so confused?

Me: Oh! apart from other things, I really liked the 'work'. Wanted to do it.

Mind: So then?

Me: I will. I will do the work. Just not here. There has been other experiences in the last few days too. And they just told me that if I let go and make space, new and better things will come my way. Also a recent discovery has been that I can still work, and meaningful work, even with a 'jobless' status.

Mind: Sounds good! One thing that really worries me is if you will ever find a place what will have that ideal work-life balance...

Me: Mind, you are my friend. Please speak a little more intelligently and don't frustrate me with these questions. Work-life balance is such a cliche and conveys so little. Work is a part of life. Work is not outside life, please! How can anyone balance between the two? Pray, tell me. Yes, but you need to balance different parts of life. Only family, only work, only food (this was so natural - am on an overeating spree), over anything needs to be balanced. It's about giving legitimate and honest space. Work and life are not really having a tussle here.

Mind: I agree. But you know what, you need to listen to your heart. It has been crying out to you for long. Don't always look for reasons. The heart has a rationale that the brains may not even be able to fathom. Reasoning can be what is, or there can be a clear lack of it. Listen to your heart, torture shall be less. Remember, one of the mistakes you keep making is that you look for a rational world. And, also torture yourself to find a rational 'you'. Both the world and you can be without the apparent rational, you know.

Me: I guess.

Mind: You suddenly look calmer. What's the deal?

Me: Remember 'Under the Tuscan Sun', Mind - "Between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is impossibly steep, very high part of the moutains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come!" Faith is a beautiful word.

tumi-aami

tumi ghori dekho,
aami dhore rakhi proti muhurter resh.
tumi taal rakho,
aami chhorai bari jure nupur er jer.
tumi chakkhush roktomangsho niye jolo,
aami kori sheter bhore shishirey makhamakhi.
tumi kuriye pawa 14 aana
aami hariye jawa mukto duler pore thaka jorakhani!

'No' is the toughest word. Only a syllable strong, it has amazing power. And it is difficult, very difficult. If you have learnt to say it, you have won half the battle. If you have learnt to both say it and hear it without the slightest shuffle within you, that's the stage when you are almost there. I don't know what 'nirvana' is but I can well imagine that this stage will only get you closer to nirvana.

amantron

Ashbe ki ektu kache
jabo teen bhubon er pare
parir dana mele niye jabo
dekhbo tomar dui polok er majhe