shudhu tomar jonyo

tumi dhan chao,
aami debo dhan'er gaach
tumi shukh chao,
debo shukh kathi'r shajh
nishyo hoye tomaye debo,
shob debo aaj -
jodi tumi bhalo thako?
jeno tumi bhalo thako .

chutte chole jai

lokano shob icche gulo
hothat dile tene
megher theke chiniye niye
brishti diye ene
jagat take bhijte dekhe
chokher jol shokalam
shonda mati'r gondhe ogo
koto shok bholalam
notun notun jante aaji
tai chutte jai
themey geche koto kicchu
shuru korte chai

Dear S

I am wondering. But I shouldn't wonder. Not because I run wild or it is without reason. But because it leads me to wander into pasture-less land. So, I choose blank. I choose to be here - in mind and body and soul. I choose not to run - not wild, nor mild. So I stop myself and be here, right here! As my feet lifts and tries to move and go, I bring it back. In every motion swaying in, moving around but here. I let my body feel the pulse of my feet, I let my hand lend its arm. As they all move together, I Dance!

illegitimate

I am an illegitimate child
born to parents, very very legitimate
But, I am an illegitimate child
I cry when hurt,
smile when loved,
But I am, usually, chided
- The illegitimate child

My needs are absurd
My wants unjustified
- walk in the park,
a kite to fly.
They were making choices,
between this and that
I lost the game
- the illegitimate child

I can't inherit the house, the garden
Or even mamma's lap
For legitimacy is not an inherited tag
For every drop of water
I quietly wait aside
Trying to reason a legitimate ground
Shackled, the illegitimate child

I am usually overlooked
By the candyman and the balloon guy
So, it scared me,
When they and all looked straight into my eye
They spoke of wrongs I didn't understand
and spanked me for fights though I wasn't there.

I smell illegitimacy
And they run,
And I run,
from this illegitimate child.

Icche

Amar monta shudhaye icche re bhai,
jashne daure daure shethay,
Khobor acche shei thikanae
Chand Surjo milon jomaye.
Shei dekhbo bhebei chokhu dhandhaye!

Ayre bancha deshe phire,
khela nei ko kono ei jomi te,
Ethar cholon shobi jana manik -
Shei raat er porei din aashe tai.

"tumi amaye bhalobasho, tai to aami kobi"

Brishti bhejha pother majhe,
Jhor bhadol er gaane naache,
Mon jeno ek swadhin kobi,
Proti-ti photaye tomar chhobi


------

being myself

you wanted me to be the girl you loved
you wanted me to be 'myself'

but why is this not myself,
this self and that self ?
for they both fell in love with you
in love with your warmth on icy winter mornings
both dance in mirth, in truth, in madness
hurt by the cold practical moves
of stupid silly wildness, beyond all into wilderness
we were, we are and we will be

but how can there be myself?
this self and that self
this self who wouldn't cross the line
that self who would draw the line
but can they live together
in the seasons of the mind

but how would you have the radhachura carpet?
when its not spring time

random thoughts

Few random thoughts:

My favourite feeling ever: finding it difficult to sleep all night, waiting for day break to get out and do what I spend the night thinking of and planning. This feeling gives me more happiness and satisfaction than 'love' (please note the quotes, sorry for this blunt finger pointing), food or other thrills in life (that I have experienced).

I find the concept of praying and destiny contradictory. Its interesting how these two counteractive concepts dwell with equal intensity in most believers, while most non believers too post them in the same bracket.

It's not important to please people. Some wont be pleased no matter what I do, some will be pleased with that I naturally do. It might be a good idea to instead see if I can do anything to make people smile.

I am still curious to know how people decide on two things: a) favourite colour and b) A (one) best friend. I am more than curious, I find it slightly baffling.

Between changing the world and myself, I am inclined to chose the former. This choice is not influenced by self love. The variables are degree of difficulty, other partners and stress levels. I would otherwise prefer changing the latter.

I don't like restrictions imposed on me. However, I obey all 'laws', including traffic rules, unless I find them repressive. If so, I revolt.

Its easier to get work done by me if you explain things to me instead to telling me what to do with the logic behind it sealed in your head. I think its true of most people.

I am told by close friends and family that they like the fact that whatever I do, I do it sincerely. Be it walking, or eating, or cello-taping those papers, etc, etc. They have, however, never understood why certain things are never done as expected. Couple of reasons: 1) Most likely they are your expectations and not mine. Not suggesting that I am indifferent to your expectations. Only, your expectations might have been really out of my scheme of things, no matter how much I tried. Also, I may not have understood your expectations when spoken in highly fluid language left to interpretation (eg, career. Yes, I know)

I still haven't quite understood the whole water system in my house. My mother thinks I am useless. She has reasons.

I often find myself haplessly looking for parameters based on which people account for normalcy (this includes the good/bad debate).

At times, quite often, I wonder how it feels like to be an expert. Help, anyone?

I ask a lot of questions -- it is usually either ignorant or innocent. I marvel at my ability in both, while I can see the other trying to pick from the choice of 'expressions' left for them.

Firm belief: There are only silly answers, if at all, but definitely no silly questions. (This belief, as you must have noticed, helps me in executing the point immediately above)

If language is so important, how do babies make friends?

The more I listen, read, think, the shallower I feel. At times, even in a state of coma.

When I am not talking, I am not necessarily thinking. It holds true for those times when I seem lost in thought as well. Waiting for the day when being blank is officially included as a 'state of mind'.

I am told to think before I speak. What will happen to my loud thinking? I like that!! (I am willing to consider T&C like 'safe zone' for loud thinking. Does that help?)

language

:) :,(

Result

Did you ever experience that feeling right after your exams? You know, like, Alright! Just out with it. Come out with the results. Right here, right now! Please... If you are even half humane and believe in mercy, this is all I ask for -- give me the report card! And the closer I got to the day of the result, the more intense this feeling was. 'Come on, be done with it'!
I think, having felt this way for years, even through college, my system is attuned to feeling this at the thought of any any any 'result', with or without the report card. You name it, and I feel it. About that very important trip - will it happen or not(??); about him talking -- will he or not; about that scholarship thing -- will it come or not (!?!?!?!) ... I believe you get the trend. I have come to the conclusion that most of this can be credited to the school education system that made that result thing larger than life. I wish school had taught me, instead, to not worry, to enjoy the nuances of life, to be friends with nature, to know that nothing is larger than life, and to believe no 'result' is quite worth dying for.

'quitting'

This word has taken me in so many circles (and cycles)in the last few weeks, that now every sentence related to it feels like a saga. There were so many things revealed that it is really impossible to bury this episode under sand dunes for now. So keeping the burying for some other day and time, maybe for some other people, too. My favourite part of the story is that it has revealed so much about myself. (Yes, the self-obsessed speaks!)A friend wanted me to write a poem on all this. Well poetry is not quite in my control but this experience surely deserves some form of writing. I will try and make a quick summary of it here. I am quite a pro at it and getting even better with time. The only cruel part of summaries is that even the best of them doesn't ever sum up to a 100 percent.

I just have so much more clarity in my life now. For one I know, all good sounding things are not always good (its a slight variation of 'all that glitters is not gold'). Last few weeks found me in utter disarray - in thinking, in trust, in confidence. I would constantly hear myself saying: This too shall pass. Let me tell you one thing I am confident of right now: if you are saying that to yourself too often, too many times, something is wrong. Instead of living life you are somehow managing it, like eating unauthentic local food. (Yes, I meant it when I said 'something is wrong')

Stress got better of me and I gave into all potential ailments. Body imbalance was in vogue. As if my body was screeching out to me and telling me, "listen to you heart and don't do this to me any more". I was having all kinds of mild and intense conversations with that entity, called Mind. So Mind was experiencing haven at the opportunity of scolding the dumb (more or less mummified) me.

So, was it just the 'things' that had these effects on me? No, not really. I will just put up an excerpt of a conversation I had with Mind recently:

Mind: Will you stop this? I don't even understand how someone not-so-close can have such effects on you!

Me: Ok, Mind, since you don't understand anyway, is there a point in my explaining? But I shall try. At some level, it is about my trust being shaken; about my not being able to handle it; about my not being able to have a stronger and firmer presence; about not following my heart; about 'quitting', it really felt like 'quitting'.
And Mind, don't forget, I had equally strong positive effects from not-so-close people. If I welcome the positives, I will have to deal with the negatives, right? Do you even know the number of 'not-so-close' people who have come forward to just listen, advise, or just scold warmly.

Mind: You are right, I don't get it. Why you can't just speak up and move on? That's what you have always done, Ms Outspoken!

Me: Well, you don't understand this because you relate it to fear. Fear is such a miniscule part of this whole 'outspoken' business. Its about being able to say 'no' without losing control of the situation and without making anyone else feel 'bad'.

Mind: Kindly simplify...

Me: It's about standing your ground without taking away space from anyone else. And trust me, that's tough!

Mind: I get that, but tell me something, why do you sound so confused?

Me: Oh! apart from other things, I really liked the 'work'. Wanted to do it.

Mind: So then?

Me: I will. I will do the work. Just not here. There has been other experiences in the last few days too. And they just told me that if I let go and make space, new and better things will come my way. Also a recent discovery has been that I can still work, and meaningful work, even with a 'jobless' status.

Mind: Sounds good! One thing that really worries me is if you will ever find a place what will have that ideal work-life balance...

Me: Mind, you are my friend. Please speak a little more intelligently and don't frustrate me with these questions. Work-life balance is such a cliche and conveys so little. Work is a part of life. Work is not outside life, please! How can anyone balance between the two? Pray, tell me. Yes, but you need to balance different parts of life. Only family, only work, only food (this was so natural - am on an overeating spree), over anything needs to be balanced. It's about giving legitimate and honest space. Work and life are not really having a tussle here.

Mind: I agree. But you know what, you need to listen to your heart. It has been crying out to you for long. Don't always look for reasons. The heart has a rationale that the brains may not even be able to fathom. Reasoning can be what is, or there can be a clear lack of it. Listen to your heart, torture shall be less. Remember, one of the mistakes you keep making is that you look for a rational world. And, also torture yourself to find a rational 'you'. Both the world and you can be without the apparent rational, you know.

Me: I guess.

Mind: You suddenly look calmer. What's the deal?

Me: Remember 'Under the Tuscan Sun', Mind - "Between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is impossibly steep, very high part of the moutains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come!" Faith is a beautiful word.

tumi-aami

tumi ghori dekho,
aami dhore rakhi proti muhurter resh.
tumi taal rakho,
aami chhorai bari jure nupur er jer.
tumi chakkhush roktomangsho niye jolo,
aami kori sheter bhore shishirey makhamakhi.
tumi kuriye pawa 14 aana
aami hariye jawa mukto duler pore thaka jorakhani!

'No' is the toughest word. Only a syllable strong, it has amazing power. And it is difficult, very difficult. If you have learnt to say it, you have won half the battle. If you have learnt to both say it and hear it without the slightest shuffle within you, that's the stage when you are almost there. I don't know what 'nirvana' is but I can well imagine that this stage will only get you closer to nirvana.

amantron

Ashbe ki ektu kache
jabo teen bhubon er pare
parir dana mele niye jabo
dekhbo tomar dui polok er majhe

10 min

Ki jani ki roye jaye!
Bolar kicchu nei tobu
monta kathaye bhora haye.
Dure kothao jete chai
jate tomaye ektu kache payi,
Ektu ektu pauchoi
antarer thikanaye.

On same pricks they all ponder
Seeing you gives me the sight
I tell your tales, to many yonder
As the hole that spreads the light

I talk to you to stop the whither
Like a brave heart you stood
In the plummeting weather
In all grace!
Its time to do more than we 'could'

chokher tara

tomar kacche acche joto mukto manik
dao poriye amar jonnyo mala khani
eshchi boro dur theke aaj tomar kacche
ei monihar golaye pore
chomok dekhte tomar chokhe
tomar chokhe phutbe ki aar amar baani
shob bhule je shei opekhaye boshe thaki

Tumi Bhabbe bole ...

Bhabbe bolle,
Kemon kore bhabbe tobe?
Jokhon hothat kore brishti naame,
Bhabo naki,
Bhijbe ki na brishti bheja hawa-r sathe?
Jokhon sheeter dine janla diye
Hothat kore
Ek poshla usno rodh tomaye daake
Bhabo naki,
Mishti kore hasha-r aage?
Bhabo naki,
Kache giye dekhbe ki na,
Gaach-er matha-ey kemon kore
Sajiyeche shey
Saat-ti rong-er mukut khani...

Mon-er kotha jaane re mon
Bhoja jai ki ere bhab'er chhole
Nei to ayeshob Yogananda'r boi-er pata-ey
Aamaye Ayeshob,
Tumi'e to kal bolechile!

Eka chilam, Eka achi,
tobu bhabar acche boiki
ei je eto chorki baji
kacchi, kabho - kintu,
tomar songo hobe naki!

bon-er modhye majhe majhe
oi duti math-er phake
hothat koto halum-hulum
singh-er bari giye dekho
bagher koto daka-daki

pagla pata

Chutte chutte tepantorer maathe,
Nitho notun taan jeno mon saadhe
sopno chhole rupantorer deshe
ma-pa-dha-ni na bole ee ghor baadhe

sudhu jokhon babhi tomar kotha
gunte shikhi pagla hawaye nachhe koto pata