random thoughts

Few random thoughts:

My favourite feeling ever: finding it difficult to sleep all night, waiting for day break to get out and do what I spend the night thinking of and planning. This feeling gives me more happiness and satisfaction than 'love' (please note the quotes, sorry for this blunt finger pointing), food or other thrills in life (that I have experienced).

I find the concept of praying and destiny contradictory. Its interesting how these two counteractive concepts dwell with equal intensity in most believers, while most non believers too post them in the same bracket.

It's not important to please people. Some wont be pleased no matter what I do, some will be pleased with that I naturally do. It might be a good idea to instead see if I can do anything to make people smile.

I am still curious to know how people decide on two things: a) favourite colour and b) A (one) best friend. I am more than curious, I find it slightly baffling.

Between changing the world and myself, I am inclined to chose the former. This choice is not influenced by self love. The variables are degree of difficulty, other partners and stress levels. I would otherwise prefer changing the latter.

I don't like restrictions imposed on me. However, I obey all 'laws', including traffic rules, unless I find them repressive. If so, I revolt.

Its easier to get work done by me if you explain things to me instead to telling me what to do with the logic behind it sealed in your head. I think its true of most people.

I am told by close friends and family that they like the fact that whatever I do, I do it sincerely. Be it walking, or eating, or cello-taping those papers, etc, etc. They have, however, never understood why certain things are never done as expected. Couple of reasons: 1) Most likely they are your expectations and not mine. Not suggesting that I am indifferent to your expectations. Only, your expectations might have been really out of my scheme of things, no matter how much I tried. Also, I may not have understood your expectations when spoken in highly fluid language left to interpretation (eg, career. Yes, I know)

I still haven't quite understood the whole water system in my house. My mother thinks I am useless. She has reasons.

I often find myself haplessly looking for parameters based on which people account for normalcy (this includes the good/bad debate).

At times, quite often, I wonder how it feels like to be an expert. Help, anyone?

I ask a lot of questions -- it is usually either ignorant or innocent. I marvel at my ability in both, while I can see the other trying to pick from the choice of 'expressions' left for them.

Firm belief: There are only silly answers, if at all, but definitely no silly questions. (This belief, as you must have noticed, helps me in executing the point immediately above)

If language is so important, how do babies make friends?

The more I listen, read, think, the shallower I feel. At times, even in a state of coma.

When I am not talking, I am not necessarily thinking. It holds true for those times when I seem lost in thought as well. Waiting for the day when being blank is officially included as a 'state of mind'.

I am told to think before I speak. What will happen to my loud thinking? I like that!! (I am willing to consider T&C like 'safe zone' for loud thinking. Does that help?)

language

:) :,(

Result

Did you ever experience that feeling right after your exams? You know, like, Alright! Just out with it. Come out with the results. Right here, right now! Please... If you are even half humane and believe in mercy, this is all I ask for -- give me the report card! And the closer I got to the day of the result, the more intense this feeling was. 'Come on, be done with it'!
I think, having felt this way for years, even through college, my system is attuned to feeling this at the thought of any any any 'result', with or without the report card. You name it, and I feel it. About that very important trip - will it happen or not(??); about him talking -- will he or not; about that scholarship thing -- will it come or not (!?!?!?!) ... I believe you get the trend. I have come to the conclusion that most of this can be credited to the school education system that made that result thing larger than life. I wish school had taught me, instead, to not worry, to enjoy the nuances of life, to be friends with nature, to know that nothing is larger than life, and to believe no 'result' is quite worth dying for.

'quitting'

This word has taken me in so many circles (and cycles)in the last few weeks, that now every sentence related to it feels like a saga. There were so many things revealed that it is really impossible to bury this episode under sand dunes for now. So keeping the burying for some other day and time, maybe for some other people, too. My favourite part of the story is that it has revealed so much about myself. (Yes, the self-obsessed speaks!)A friend wanted me to write a poem on all this. Well poetry is not quite in my control but this experience surely deserves some form of writing. I will try and make a quick summary of it here. I am quite a pro at it and getting even better with time. The only cruel part of summaries is that even the best of them doesn't ever sum up to a 100 percent.

I just have so much more clarity in my life now. For one I know, all good sounding things are not always good (its a slight variation of 'all that glitters is not gold'). Last few weeks found me in utter disarray - in thinking, in trust, in confidence. I would constantly hear myself saying: This too shall pass. Let me tell you one thing I am confident of right now: if you are saying that to yourself too often, too many times, something is wrong. Instead of living life you are somehow managing it, like eating unauthentic local food. (Yes, I meant it when I said 'something is wrong')

Stress got better of me and I gave into all potential ailments. Body imbalance was in vogue. As if my body was screeching out to me and telling me, "listen to you heart and don't do this to me any more". I was having all kinds of mild and intense conversations with that entity, called Mind. So Mind was experiencing haven at the opportunity of scolding the dumb (more or less mummified) me.

So, was it just the 'things' that had these effects on me? No, not really. I will just put up an excerpt of a conversation I had with Mind recently:

Mind: Will you stop this? I don't even understand how someone not-so-close can have such effects on you!

Me: Ok, Mind, since you don't understand anyway, is there a point in my explaining? But I shall try. At some level, it is about my trust being shaken; about my not being able to handle it; about my not being able to have a stronger and firmer presence; about not following my heart; about 'quitting', it really felt like 'quitting'.
And Mind, don't forget, I had equally strong positive effects from not-so-close people. If I welcome the positives, I will have to deal with the negatives, right? Do you even know the number of 'not-so-close' people who have come forward to just listen, advise, or just scold warmly.

Mind: You are right, I don't get it. Why you can't just speak up and move on? That's what you have always done, Ms Outspoken!

Me: Well, you don't understand this because you relate it to fear. Fear is such a miniscule part of this whole 'outspoken' business. Its about being able to say 'no' without losing control of the situation and without making anyone else feel 'bad'.

Mind: Kindly simplify...

Me: It's about standing your ground without taking away space from anyone else. And trust me, that's tough!

Mind: I get that, but tell me something, why do you sound so confused?

Me: Oh! apart from other things, I really liked the 'work'. Wanted to do it.

Mind: So then?

Me: I will. I will do the work. Just not here. There has been other experiences in the last few days too. And they just told me that if I let go and make space, new and better things will come my way. Also a recent discovery has been that I can still work, and meaningful work, even with a 'jobless' status.

Mind: Sounds good! One thing that really worries me is if you will ever find a place what will have that ideal work-life balance...

Me: Mind, you are my friend. Please speak a little more intelligently and don't frustrate me with these questions. Work-life balance is such a cliche and conveys so little. Work is a part of life. Work is not outside life, please! How can anyone balance between the two? Pray, tell me. Yes, but you need to balance different parts of life. Only family, only work, only food (this was so natural - am on an overeating spree), over anything needs to be balanced. It's about giving legitimate and honest space. Work and life are not really having a tussle here.

Mind: I agree. But you know what, you need to listen to your heart. It has been crying out to you for long. Don't always look for reasons. The heart has a rationale that the brains may not even be able to fathom. Reasoning can be what is, or there can be a clear lack of it. Listen to your heart, torture shall be less. Remember, one of the mistakes you keep making is that you look for a rational world. And, also torture yourself to find a rational 'you'. Both the world and you can be without the apparent rational, you know.

Me: I guess.

Mind: You suddenly look calmer. What's the deal?

Me: Remember 'Under the Tuscan Sun', Mind - "Between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is impossibly steep, very high part of the moutains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come!" Faith is a beautiful word.

tumi-aami

tumi ghori dekho,
aami dhore rakhi proti muhurter resh.
tumi taal rakho,
aami chhorai bari jure nupur er jer.
tumi chakkhush roktomangsho niye jolo,
aami kori sheter bhore shishirey makhamakhi.
tumi kuriye pawa 14 aana
aami hariye jawa mukto duler pore thaka jorakhani!

'No' is the toughest word. Only a syllable strong, it has amazing power. And it is difficult, very difficult. If you have learnt to say it, you have won half the battle. If you have learnt to both say it and hear it without the slightest shuffle within you, that's the stage when you are almost there. I don't know what 'nirvana' is but I can well imagine that this stage will only get you closer to nirvana.

amantron

Ashbe ki ektu kache
jabo teen bhubon er pare
parir dana mele niye jabo
dekhbo tomar dui polok er majhe

10 min

Ki jani ki roye jaye!
Bolar kicchu nei tobu
monta kathaye bhora haye.
Dure kothao jete chai
jate tomaye ektu kache payi,
Ektu ektu pauchoi
antarer thikanaye.

On same pricks they all ponder
Seeing you gives me the sight
I tell your tales, to many yonder
As the hole that spreads the light

I talk to you to stop the whither
Like a brave heart you stood
In the plummeting weather
In all grace!
Its time to do more than we 'could'

chokher tara

tomar kacche acche joto mukto manik
dao poriye amar jonnyo mala khani
eshchi boro dur theke aaj tomar kacche
ei monihar golaye pore
chomok dekhte tomar chokhe
tomar chokhe phutbe ki aar amar baani
shob bhule je shei opekhaye boshe thaki

Tumi Bhabbe bole ...

Bhabbe bolle,
Kemon kore bhabbe tobe?
Jokhon hothat kore brishti naame,
Bhabo naki,
Bhijbe ki na brishti bheja hawa-r sathe?
Jokhon sheeter dine janla diye
Hothat kore
Ek poshla usno rodh tomaye daake
Bhabo naki,
Mishti kore hasha-r aage?
Bhabo naki,
Kache giye dekhbe ki na,
Gaach-er matha-ey kemon kore
Sajiyeche shey
Saat-ti rong-er mukut khani...

Mon-er kotha jaane re mon
Bhoja jai ki ere bhab'er chhole
Nei to ayeshob Yogananda'r boi-er pata-ey
Aamaye Ayeshob,
Tumi'e to kal bolechile!

Eka chilam, Eka achi,
tobu bhabar acche boiki
ei je eto chorki baji
kacchi, kabho - kintu,
tomar songo hobe naki!

bon-er modhye majhe majhe
oi duti math-er phake
hothat koto halum-hulum
singh-er bari giye dekho
bagher koto daka-daki

pagla pata

Chutte chutte tepantorer maathe,
Nitho notun taan jeno mon saadhe
sopno chhole rupantorer deshe
ma-pa-dha-ni na bole ee ghor baadhe

sudhu jokhon babhi tomar kotha
gunte shikhi pagla hawaye nachhe koto pata

love n me

It’s so warm to think of you,
Even of the cold fights we had
The moments between us
It’s like calling
the wheat from the chaff
Were they fake or true?
- A question abandoned.
We dream in reality often!
Love calls, I beckon
Can’t say who is waiting for the other.

said, love

Not for the warmth in my eyes
or for the caring words
Not for the innocence that may die
Keep away the reasons
of beauty
of support
and needs and wants
Keep them all away
And love me for who I am
Love me for love that will never leave
Love me for reasons that don’t speak
Will you love me because you cannot help
Can you love me for me?
Without shreds of liking
Love,
For you fell in love

ANTI Depressants

Don’t go on about the pills
White and yellow and pink
If you tell me, I will swallow it too
But can you promise
I will not have that nightmare
As if I am about to sink?

I don’t want your Fluoxytine
Or an alprazolam,
I can also do without the comfort
of having it with my health drink
Glad it’s now available
Also in the liquid form
But I don’t want it anyway
Doesn’t matter,
for what you offer a milligram!

Please spare me your idea of a good lifestyle
And stop harping on ‘anxiety’ and ‘stress’
I already know your niche -
Your ability to underline problems in red.

Don’t go on about your Fluoxytine
And I will calmly stand in
As you look at my ‘modern disease’
With traditional horror!
I will bear your axe on my ‘modern lifestyle’
And take away your long prescription of ‘modern medicines’.

Please spare me the theories and experiments
I want only peace and truthful lies
I can’t take the burden of facts and figures.
I just want to hear - it’ll all be fine!
Insomniac scientists found the great sedative
All I care for are dreamy lullabies.

You don’t tell me about the merits of counselling
And I will save you the embarrassment of seeing me cry
I will not tell you how badly I want to hold on
You don’t tell me about wonder drugs
And I will forget to tell you,
How just a tight hug can make me smile!
I will not whisper how much I want to talk
I have so much to share…
Yet, I have not much to tell,
I know not any reason to blame.

These 200 interviews staring blank
Makes us lay our work plans
Running in shifts of days and nights
Things are born in black and white
Are these words or sand dunes?
Remind me,
Why we salute the pen for it’s might?

Is it a sin to be tired so soon?
To want to rest for a while?
I really only need pillow for now
And the lights out
- just for a while!

In Jaisalmer

Don’t look at me with such disdain!
I know you are right.
There is beauty in every corner.
Yet, I feel a pain -
An ache that can’t tell my plight!

Smitten by the promise
I came afar.
I didn’t question;
I didn’t pry;
I didn’t even want to know the lefts and rights.
Here I am,
Looking up,
As there stands in grandeur -
The work of art, of Jaisalmer.

It’s a fortress,
Not a palace for the queens!
But I was happy with it pillars
Only, it’s not golden!
You didn’t add to the indifference I felt,
It only added to my indifferent self.

Don’t look at me with such disdain.
You can share my agony too,
Give me the comfort
Of being not the only one!
In humble exploration
I did often yield…
Teased with your words,
Looking away from the scrabble score-sheet.
I called you subtle, I called you aloud
But in my golden fields, you had your doubt.

May be you came into my life
Only to tell,
The road to Jaisalmer is beautiful.
Yes! You took me through the Melas
The gorgeous day went in dance and songs!
Yes, You took me through the Melas!

In the coming days
I will be the gorgeous damsel
Making my journey in song and dance
Looking for my Jaisalmer, in another town.

soulmates

It’s a perfect union
Of two imperfect souls
In the most passionate love
There’s peace untold

Two imperfect bodies
Bonded perfectly
Swaying with unmatched eloquence
We looked into the eye
Thus, was born a ‘we’.

haqeeqat

Zindagi ki haqeeqat mein khoye the
Aaj zingadi ki haqeeqat mein zindagi se mile
Yeh zalim duniya hi sahi
Iss duniya mein pyar to hai
Sapne tute bhi sahi
Khwab to haqeeqat hi hai

tomar chokhe

Aami tomar chokhe
Chokh mele chai onek dure.
Alpo kicchu dekhar aage e
Ek prithibi bheshe aashe noyon mude.

Kothar aanka-baanka chotto kole,
Matha rekhe, aaj monta ode
Aakash bhora baatash jeno
Ei hridi te ghurni tole.

Ay mon mane na-
Na na !– ee mon jane ee na!
Ee mon jane na, jane na
Koto tumi kacher manush.
Tai shudhu din ba raate
Ekti kotha-ee bhabte boshe -
Keno sedin hothat kore
Chokhe chilo bonya beshe.

Keno buke majhe majhe
Abhimaane byatha laage?
Abaar sedin shuye shuye,
Jokhon jawar kotha
Ghumer mashi-pishir kache,
Ki kore bojhai je hai
Kemon jeno byatha jage.

Dena pawnar modhye jeno
Hisab ulot palot ayekhon!
Shudhu jaani,
Aaj chhotto kothar mulyo onek
Jawar majhe phire aasha-tai
Ayekhon aamar chokher moni.